Updating Don Carman's Baseball Player Clichés for the Age of Analytics

This article originally appeared in Here's the Pitch, the newsletter of the Internet Baseball Writers Association of America (IBWAA). To subscribe to the daily newsletter and/or to join the organization you can click here.

Don Carman was a left-handed pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, Cincinnati Reds, and Texas Rangers from 1983-1992. During his 10-year career he compiled a modest 53-54 won-lost record and 4.11 ERA. It is not for his prowess on the major league pitching mound that we celebrate Carman today, however. Don Carman was not only a left-handed pitcher, but he was also a left-handed thinker. After a particularly poor 1989 season, where he went 5-15, Carman had grown tired of answering reporters’ questions with the same old worn-out clichés. On June 19^th, 1990, after picking up a win in a Phillies 2-1 victory over the Pirates, Carman tacked a list of 37 of his favorite clichés to his locker and invited the reporters to choose the ones they liked for their stories.

His list contained many baseball chestnuts including the following:

•  I’m just glad to be here. I just want to help the club any way I can.
• We’re going to take the season one game at a time.
• You’re only as good as your last game. (at bat).
• This team seems ready to gel.
• You just can’t pitch behind.
• The catcher and I are on the same wavelength.
•  I did my best, and that’s all I can do.
• I didn’t have my good stuff, but I battled ‘em.
• I was getting my off-speed stuff over, so they couldn’t sit on the fastball.
• I had some great plays made behind me tonight.
• I’m seeing the ball real good.

And my personal favorite: “Hey, that’s the name of the game.”

You can find Carman’s full list here.

Reviewing Carman’s list got me thinking. This list was made in 1990 – thirty-two years ago. Modern baseball players, whose every pitch, at bat, and move on the field is based on the relatively new phenomenon of analytics, really need a new list of clichés. In this world of launch angles and arm slots, I am willing to step into this breech and suggest some new ones. I also offer a simultaneous cliché translation for a the analytically challenged among the readers.

“The hitting coach and I are working on my launch angle.”

Translation: I have hit into five double plays in the last three games because I keep hitting the ball on the ground

“The velo on my fastball is down.”

Translation: Those three homes runs I gave up in the second inning were the result of nothing-burger fastballs down the middle.

“I know my ERA is over 6.00, but if you look at my FIP (Fielding Independent Pitching), I am not really pitching that badly.”

            Translation: My team’s defense sucks.

“My exit velocity keeps improving, so I should turn it around soon.”

            Translation: I keep popping up to the second baseman.

“A lot of my pitches tonight were just missing the zone.”

            Translation: My catcher sucks at framing pitches.

“The card in my hat told me I should be playing the guy in right center,

            Translation: It’s not my fault that ball fell in left center for a triple. Talk to the coaches.

“The hitting coach and I are working on my bat-to-ball skills.”

            Translation: I have struck out in 13 of my last 19 at bats.

“The shift giveth and the shift taketh away.”

Translation: If the coaches would let the defense play their regular positions, those four ground balls would have been outs instead of hits.

“I’m working to get a consistent arm slot.”

            Translation: I walked six batters in four innings of work.

“This obsession with shifting is killing my batting average.”

            Translation: I couldn’t hit the ball to left field if my life depended on it.

“They were able to barrel a few on me tonight.”

            Translation: Those four home runs they hit off me averaged 450 feet.

“I really caught that one on the sweet spot.”

            Translation: I hit one of those 450-foot home runs.

“My Whiff% isn’t where it needs to be.”

            Translation: I gave up seven hits in my inning and two-thirds on the mound.

“My O-Swing% is just too high.

            Translation: I keep chasing the low and away breaking ball.

“That’s baseball!”

            Translation: I just gave up five runs on six infield hits. (Pitcher)

                                I went 0-for-4 after hitting four line drives. (Hitter)

 It is heartening in a way that these new analytics can help major league baseball players bring a new level of inanity to hoary old baseball clichés. And if some of us old-timers must listen to them with puzzled expressions and a baseball analytics glossary in our laps, so much the better. Never too late to learn a new skill.

Don Carman, by the way, went back to school after his pitching career ended and got a degree in psychology. He has worked for the past 20+ years helping professional athletes deal with the mental aspect of the game. I suppose it helps that Don was always a little “mental” himself.